Remember November

November 28- My scheduled due date for my first pregnancy. I don't think I will ever forget that date.

Before writing this post, I opened a closet door in our bedroom and found the pregnancy tests. I searched around in a keepsake box for the ultrasound picture. I put them together to remember the baby. I remembered the joy, happiness, excitement, name planning, and picturing what our baby would look like. I stared blankly at the sticks and the ultrasound and became filled with sadness.





For the past couple of months, I thought of this month as the month that was supposed to be the birth month of my child. I have come to accept the fact that that's simply not true. That pregnancy was not meant to be. I do not know if I will be able to get pregnant again. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I am now grateful for my short pregnancy.

This entire year has been the saddest and most grief stricken year of my 28 years. It certainly has been a learning process. I am growing more now than I have in years. I don't think I am "getting over" the miscarriage, but I like to think that I'm beginning to fully accept it. A part of me is empty. A part of me is still sad. A part of me longs for what I cannot have. A part of me is lonely. A part of me is still angry. I am trying to turn those hurts into something positive.

I still get sad when I think about the event and most of all the 28th, but I no longer spend the entire day in sadness. I try to stop the sadness and self-pity, I try to turn it around. I cry less and for shorter period of times. Maybe the next step for me is to not cry at all when the sadness hits.

Something that has had a profound effect on me is a book- The Art of Happiness. To end this post, I want to share with you a section that opened my eyes and heart.

"Initially, of course, feelings of grief and anxiety are a natural human response to a loss. But if you allow these feelings of loss and worry to persist, there's a danger, if these feelings are left unchecked, they can lead to a kind of self-absorption. A situation where the focus becomes your own self. And when that happens you become overwhelmed by the sense of loss, and you get a feeling that it's only you who are going through this. Depression sets in. But in reality, there are others who will be going through the same kind of experience. So, if you find yourself worrying too much, it may help to think of the other people who have similar or even worse tragedies. Once you realize that, then you no longer feel isolated, as if you have been single-pointedly picked out. That can offer you some kind of condolence."


Thank you Dalai Lama and all you readers for kind words and thoughts. I hope that by sharing my experience, you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that things will get better.

Until next time, Merry Thanksgiving to you and yours. I hope that good things come your way very soon.

Kristin

Time of the Month

Since my miscarriage in April, I have this ridiculous fear that every period I have is really a miscarriage in disguise.

Why? Because the painfulness of my cycles have been miscarriage level pain minus the amount of bleeding. My OB informed me that it might take up to three or four cycles for my cycle to return back to normal. Never in my life have I experienced such horrible, intense cycles as the ones post miscarriage.

-A little history-

My cycles before my pregnancy happened like clockwork thanks to the medicine Metformin. Not to worry, I do not take Metformin for insulin/diabetes control. I take it for ovarian cysts, possible polycycstic ovarian syndrome, and to help manage my endometriosis. After the first six months of taking the medication, my cycles became normal. Before the medication my cycles were sporadic and ovarian cysts occurred monthly.

Sometime in the late 90's, can't remember the exact year, I was hospitalized for severe lower abdominal pain. I remember the day vividly. I was playing in the Gus Macker basketball tournament and my dad was my team's coach. I was on the sidelines waiting to play when suddenly I felt sick beyond belief and had some serious stomach pain. I ran to the nearest trash can to lose my cookies. I had trouble walking upright. My friend's mom told my parents that she thought I had appendicitis. I was rushed to the hospital. They did some rebound tests and a scan, but no pesky appendicitis was diagnosed. My white blood cell count was down and I was very, very ill. I was in the hospital for a week. It was determined that either I had a ruptured ovarian cyst or some sort of lower intestine infection. After knowing what a ruptured cyst and cyst pain feel like, I'm positive that I experienced a ruptured cyst.

In 2004 I was hospitalized for severe lower stomach pain. My appendix was determined to be the possible culprit again until a softball sized cyst was located on the CT scan. The pain was just awful and luckily the cyst dissolved on it's own and no further action was needed. I was so happy that that blasted cyst dissolved itself before surgery was scheduled.

In 2008 I had surgery to remove some endometriosis from my uterus. The surgery was successful at eliminating a large portion of the pain I experienced all the time. For example, there were times when sneezing would hurt me so bad I would want to pass out, bowel movements were excruciating, brushing my belly against the counter or some other object would make me squirmish and some adult activities simply could not be done because of the pain.

-History complete-

It's been four months since the miscarriage and you can say that we are TTC (Trying to Conceive) since we are not actively preventing pregnancy. In fact, we are doing nothing to prevent pregnancy. No luck so far, but that is OK. My body is still recovering and getting back to normal. We welcome the blessing of another pregnancy with open arms and look forward to the day we will be able to meet that sweet little spirit.