Before writing this post, I opened a closet door in our bedroom and found the pregnancy tests. I searched around in a keepsake box for the ultrasound picture. I put them together to remember the baby. I remembered the joy, happiness, excitement, name planning, and picturing what our baby would look like. I stared blankly at the sticks and the ultrasound and became filled with sadness.
For the past couple of months, I thought of this month as the month that was supposed to be the birth month of my child. I have come to accept the fact that that's simply not true. That pregnancy was not meant to be. I do not know if I will be able to get pregnant again. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I am now grateful for my short pregnancy.
This entire year has been the saddest and most grief stricken year of my 28 years. It certainly has been a learning process. I am growing more now than I have in years. I don't think I am "getting over" the miscarriage, but I like to think that I'm beginning to fully accept it. A part of me is empty. A part of me is still sad. A part of me longs for what I cannot have. A part of me is lonely. A part of me is still angry. I am trying to turn those hurts into something positive.
I still get sad when I think about the event and most of all the 28th, but I no longer spend the entire day in sadness. I try to stop the sadness and self-pity, I try to turn it around. I cry less and for shorter period of times. Maybe the next step for me is to not cry at all when the sadness hits.
Something that has had a profound effect on me is a book- The Art of Happiness. To end this post, I want to share with you a section that opened my eyes and heart.
"Initially, of course, feelings of grief and anxiety are a natural human response to a loss. But if you allow these feelings of loss and worry to persist, there's a danger, if these feelings are left unchecked, they can lead to a kind of self-absorption. A situation where the focus becomes your own self. And when that happens you become overwhelmed by the sense of loss, and you get a feeling that it's only you who are going through this. Depression sets in. But in reality, there are others who will be going through the same kind of experience. So, if you find yourself worrying too much, it may help to think of the other people who have similar or even worse tragedies. Once you realize that, then you no longer feel isolated, as if you have been single-pointedly picked out. That can offer you some kind of condolence."
Thank you Dalai Lama and all you readers for kind words and thoughts. I hope that by sharing my experience, you find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that things will get better.
Until next time, Merry Thanksgiving to you and yours. I hope that good things come your way very soon.
Kristin
