To add insult to injury, I was laid off of my full-time job of four years. Although said job has recently returned to me with a new part-time proposition that I accepted, I am still very, very bitter about what happened.
The lay off happened on Wednesday the 20th.
After I was let go, I was escorted out of the building, boarded the light rail, and made my way back home, completely alone. The loneliness and pain that I felt yesterday was reminiscent of the loneliness and pain felt during my miscarriage. Of course the two are completely different, but both experiences initiated similar feelings.
Once again my life completely changed. Too much of that has happened this year.
In this year alone, I have lost my dear grandfather, first child and job. My husband earlier in the year lost his job and has since found another. We have been slammed with medical bills and passed due bills since the miscarriage. It was not because my husband was out of work that these bills were not paid, it was because I stopped paying them(I'm the bill payer of the house) after the miscarriage. It is not that I didn't want to pay them; I literally did not even think to pay them. The thought did not register in my mind. I wish it had.
I've heard that calm seas do not make great sailors, but are these experiences really making me a great sailor? I just can't tell. There are days when I want to give up and days when I literally do not want to get up. I question on occasion how I continue on in this mess of a life I have for myself right now. When and how will things get better?
If the big man upstairs is testing me, I truly hope he is finished for now. I realize that I am having a tiny pity party and need to focus on what and who I have in my life, but at this very moment, it is not easy.
All in all, I'm blessed to have my family, friends, animals, house, vehicles and other things in my life. I have to focus on the positives and I will try my best.
If you're going through a hellacious time in your life right now, my heart is out to you. We will get through this I'm sure, we just cannot lose whatever faith we might have. May we start climbing over these mountains soon. Peace and blessings.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Someday
Someday our pain will be gone.
Someday our hearts will mend.
Someday the tears will stop.
I would like for someday to be today.
Someday is bound to come right?
Someday our hearts will mend.
Someday the tears will stop.
I would like for someday to be today.
Someday is bound to come right?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Stuff Your Sorries in a Sack
After losing my baby, I found that I am easily angered by stories of child abuse, negligence, marital abuse, teen pregnancy, etc. Nothing though really hit me to the core quite like the conversation I had with my SIL a week ago.
My SIL recently went through a very dramatic and abusive situation with her husband. They have two children. Upon asking her one night how she was doing, I received the response “I’m pregnant.” This will be their third child.
I became enraged with anger when she told me the news.
How could someone like my B and SIL have a child right now? Why would they bring a child into a negative environment? I would never subject my child to abuse and my child would have a loving home. How is it fair that they can have a baby, but I can’t?
SIL proceeded to tell me that she had a dream that she lost the baby and that if my miscarriage was anything like her dream, she was so very sorry for what happened. Thanks, but NO thanks for that lame gesture of sympathy.
Now I realize that it’s not completely rational, fair or right of me to say that my B and SIL do not deserve to have children. Who am I to say that they shouldn’t have children? They’re entitled to a family just like everyone else and I don’t doubt that they love their children.
What bothers me is the fact that there are people out there that reproduce in bad living situations. They bear children into a broken home or if not that, maybe a home that will not provide the child with enough maternal and paternal care because of various reasons. It breaks my heart to know that children each and every day are subjected to abuse of all forms and their parents seem to not care. Parents that practice abuse towards their children or subject them to it are just plain selfish.
I know that I am not perfect and my marriage is not by any means perfect, but I do know for certain that my DH and I will provide the best abuse-free home we can possibly provide for our child(ren). If our baby was still with us, he would know so much love. I hope that he knows our love for him now and always.
Being a mother for a short period of time completely changed my outlook on life. I understand, albeit only pregnant for 7 weeks, what unconditional love truly means. I was preparing to give my whole life to the child that needed it so that I could give him the best life possible.
Beyond all of this, I can contribute the ridiculous emotional break down after talking to SIL to jealousy. I AM jealous that my B and SIL are going to have another child. I AM jealous of the teen mom that’s 9 months pregnant. I am jealous and sad that I will not be a mother come November.
Life is seemingly unfair, but I will have to take mine for what it is and appreciate the blessing I was able to have for a short while. I pray that this anger and jealousy will be lifted from me soon.
My SIL recently went through a very dramatic and abusive situation with her husband. They have two children. Upon asking her one night how she was doing, I received the response “I’m pregnant.” This will be their third child.
I became enraged with anger when she told me the news.
How could someone like my B and SIL have a child right now? Why would they bring a child into a negative environment? I would never subject my child to abuse and my child would have a loving home. How is it fair that they can have a baby, but I can’t?
SIL proceeded to tell me that she had a dream that she lost the baby and that if my miscarriage was anything like her dream, she was so very sorry for what happened. Thanks, but NO thanks for that lame gesture of sympathy.
Now I realize that it’s not completely rational, fair or right of me to say that my B and SIL do not deserve to have children. Who am I to say that they shouldn’t have children? They’re entitled to a family just like everyone else and I don’t doubt that they love their children.
What bothers me is the fact that there are people out there that reproduce in bad living situations. They bear children into a broken home or if not that, maybe a home that will not provide the child with enough maternal and paternal care because of various reasons. It breaks my heart to know that children each and every day are subjected to abuse of all forms and their parents seem to not care. Parents that practice abuse towards their children or subject them to it are just plain selfish.
I know that I am not perfect and my marriage is not by any means perfect, but I do know for certain that my DH and I will provide the best abuse-free home we can possibly provide for our child(ren). If our baby was still with us, he would know so much love. I hope that he knows our love for him now and always.
Being a mother for a short period of time completely changed my outlook on life. I understand, albeit only pregnant for 7 weeks, what unconditional love truly means. I was preparing to give my whole life to the child that needed it so that I could give him the best life possible.
Beyond all of this, I can contribute the ridiculous emotional break down after talking to SIL to jealousy. I AM jealous that my B and SIL are going to have another child. I AM jealous of the teen mom that’s 9 months pregnant. I am jealous and sad that I will not be a mother come November.
Life is seemingly unfair, but I will have to take mine for what it is and appreciate the blessing I was able to have for a short while. I pray that this anger and jealousy will be lifted from me soon.
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