After losing my baby, I found that I am easily angered by stories of child abuse, negligence, marital abuse, teen pregnancy, etc. Nothing though really hit me to the core quite like the conversation I had with my SIL a week ago.
My SIL recently went through a very dramatic and abusive situation with her husband. They have two children. Upon asking her one night how she was doing, I received the response “I’m pregnant.” This will be their third child.
I became enraged with anger when she told me the news.
How could someone like my B and SIL have a child right now? Why would they bring a child into a negative environment? I would never subject my child to abuse and my child would have a loving home. How is it fair that they can have a baby, but I can’t?
SIL proceeded to tell me that she had a dream that she lost the baby and that if my miscarriage was anything like her dream, she was so very sorry for what happened. Thanks, but NO thanks for that lame gesture of sympathy.
Now I realize that it’s not completely rational, fair or right of me to say that my B and SIL do not deserve to have children. Who am I to say that they shouldn’t have children? They’re entitled to a family just like everyone else and I don’t doubt that they love their children.
What bothers me is the fact that there are people out there that reproduce in bad living situations. They bear children into a broken home or if not that, maybe a home that will not provide the child with enough maternal and paternal care because of various reasons. It breaks my heart to know that children each and every day are subjected to abuse of all forms and their parents seem to not care. Parents that practice abuse towards their children or subject them to it are just plain selfish.
I know that I am not perfect and my marriage is not by any means perfect, but I do know for certain that my DH and I will provide the best abuse-free home we can possibly provide for our child(ren). If our baby was still with us, he would know so much love. I hope that he knows our love for him now and always.
Being a mother for a short period of time completely changed my outlook on life. I understand, albeit only pregnant for 7 weeks, what unconditional love truly means. I was preparing to give my whole life to the child that needed it so that I could give him the best life possible.
Beyond all of this, I can contribute the ridiculous emotional break down after talking to SIL to jealousy. I AM jealous that my B and SIL are going to have another child. I AM jealous of the teen mom that’s 9 months pregnant. I am jealous and sad that I will not be a mother come November.
Life is seemingly unfair, but I will have to take mine for what it is and appreciate the blessing I was able to have for a short while. I pray that this anger and jealousy will be lifted from me soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment